Freedom From A Fear

Psalm 34:4

 I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears. 

This week has been quite busy for me, as we have some family coming in from out of town to visit.  Between life, schooling, lessons and getting ready, I've hardly had a moment to be able to sit down. 

I do however want to share something with you that God did in my life this week and laid this scripture upon my heart to share with you as part of my freedom.  You see God has been working a lot in my life this past year about obedience as you can see from my previous posts and it seems that with the more obedience that he gets from me, the more he asks of me.  Now this one thing I'm going to share is something that I have felt since a very young age....a calling of mine.  I knew, that I knew, that I knew I was always supposed to sing.  Have you ever just known something deep inside of you that you were just supposed to do it?  What did you do with it?  Did you squelch it because maybe you don't have the time or energy to grow in it, whatever it is?  Maybe you carry a fear around like I have for so long of what others might think if you did this certain thing.  

About 3 years ago God told me to go to someone to learn to really use the voice he gave me.  He also told me to learn the guitar, of all things this is a hard one.  First of all with small children I haven't had much time for either one.  Then about a year ago God really said to me "Do this, go really train your voice, not to please others, but to please me."  So I started the journey of looking for a teacher.  I needed someone who would teach me how to use this gift that he has given me, but  they would not ask me to violate who I am and sing songs that do not Worship My Father.  After much prayer, I received a newsletter about a program at Colonial Hills Baptist Church here in Tyler.  They were starting a music program there for the first year and it would include private voice and guitar lessons.  Hmmmmm.....really it literally was downloaded to my computer and I just knew that it was my answer.  

Now mind you I called, got the paperwork, got it all started and as I go to attend my MOPS (mother of preschoolers) meeting  that following Monday, I ran into a girl I went to school with.  As we were chatting I asked what she was doing now and she said she was starting this program there at the church.  Of course, I said with EXCITEMENT "I just signed up for Private Voice lessons as part of the program."  She said "That's cool, I'm the one that teaches it."  I swear this picture to your right here is exactly what I looked like.


 
I thought to myself, God this is not possible.  You know that I am fearful of singing in front of people, much less people I know.  Seriously, are you just yanking my chain right now, I can't do this thing now.  That's it, I'm calling to get it voided tomorrow, withdrawing my money contract is over.  



Let's just say, that was not part of my destiny to end it.  My destiny was that she was the one that was supposed to teach me and she was the one that would be present when I overcame one of my greatest fears.  On my first day of lessons back in August of last year, I walked in and she said "Why do you want to sing and do you know what you are Soprano, Alto?"  Guys seriously I was shaking like a leaf on a tree on a windy day, still looking like the deer pictured above.  I had no idea what to say, but the truth at that point.  This is my Destiny why I am here, God has asked me to come train my voice and I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to do with it, nor do I know what I am other than I know I sound good in the shower and with the radio.  Then at that moment after a brief laugh, the work began.

I have been going for several months now to this girl I know consider to be a dear friend and it's taken this long to really learn what God has been teaching me through this whole process.  You see I thought that this was just about learning the techniques of the music.  How to sing appropriately, how to go up when needed, go down when needed, when to breathe, how to breathe and so on.  Amidst all the learning and practicing at home, I lost something.  I lost the desire to "Just" sing, the one thing that I have greatly enjoyed for so many years.  Well on Tuesday, God used a moment with my friend when I started to sing the song I have been working with for just about the whole duration of my lessons now "How Great Thou Art", to change my life.  As I started to sing, my friend stopped playing her piano and said this "I don't think that you are enjoying this anymore or something is going on that is different."  My response was "You know you're right I'm too worried about technique and I keep feeling like I have to overcome my fear of singing in front of you every time I come in and my heart is just not with it right now."  I also told her that I felt like when I was at home and I was really singing, worshiping my Father it was different, it felt different, but here and now I'm worried about my technique and what she is thinking of me.  

She said to me "Why don't you just sing like you do at home for me, I will play softly and just go along with you."  When those words were spoken something triggered inside of me and at that very moment the Holy Spirit took over me and I let go.  Friends, I have never felt so free of a fear in my entire life.  The most beautiful thing took place in that room for me,  it was as if I was sitting right there with My Lord at his feet praising him, singing to him with all that I was, all that I had.  The Love and adoration I have for my Father just came pouring out of me at that moment  and it was so overwhelming, I just wept, I couldn't control myself anymore.  You see when it was all about him and not about what others thought or how they would see me at this point or whether I was really good or not, He was glorified.  When I completely and utterly gave my voice to him, it was as if nobody else was in that room anyways, it was just He and I.  I left there feeling as if He knows how much that I Love him.

When I left Tuesday I went away knowing deep within me, my purpose in getting that newsletter, signing up for those lessons, meeting with someone that I know to teach me, and struggling with learning the proper techniques.  The techniques are good, but that's not what it's really about, you see it was about my fear.  My fear alone has held me back from doing what I know he as always wanted me to do.  Use my voice to worship him, no matter if I'm in front of 1 person I know, 10 people I know or thousands of people I don't know.  So long as I'm singing to him and for him and nothing else, that is all that matters, because at that time he has the rest of what is supposed to happen.  I want to encourage you tonight to seek him, open your eyes to what he is showing you, answer to his calling, walk with him, talk with him, allow him to truly be your Dad.  He truly has so many wonderful things to teach you and wants to lead you through your Faith.  Come together with me and let's be Free!

 I want to leave you with this, that if yours is singing, even when you look like this (you know you do it, don't deny it), so long as you're singing to God it doesn't even matter.